TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have another position where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present Anyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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